…life on the synaptic firing range

Location: Los Angeles, United States

Bent but unbroken Southern California native seeks understanding, companionship, and resonance along and off the beaten path. Teresa plays well with others and makes every effort to perform to her potential. Usually. *processed in a facility that processes nuts and nut products

Thursday, September 28, 2006

the book of scout

A certain blogger recently spake her desire for a new Bible, not a new copy of the KJV, mind you, but a newly written Bible. Never one to ignore a gauntlet thrown, I offer my contribution.

The Book of Halo, as Witnessed by Scout

And a calico kitten of unblemished coat came unto Scout and spake unto her, imploring her mew be heard and heeded, for she was the one called Halo, spokeskitten of all the creatures of the land and sea, and it was she who beheld the keychain to the kingdom of peace, though the key be lost, last seen in the tabernacle of the congregation, where she smote it with her right paw and it did sail across the linoleum of the kitchen of the tabernacle of the congregation to points unknown. And verily the calico kitten sayeth unto Scout that, lo, all the creatures of the land and sea may cherish thy gods, whosoever they shall be, and cleave to thy beliefs, for those are they that speed some through thy day. And Scout was pleased, for she had rent her garments at the coming of the chosen kitten, quaking amid believers and unbelievers all of a piece, with foreboding that thus was not so. And the calico kitten did soothe the worried brow of thy messenger, and Scout, daughter of Beverly, the second begotten of Edith from the fertile plain of Iowa, did implore of the calico kitten, daughter of the feral one, whether the creatures of the land and sea should smite one another over cherished gods not of one but of many, apropos of which the calico kitten mewed a proverb of peace, and so it was delivered unto Scout, daughter of Beverly, second begotten of Edith from the fertile plain of Iowa:

Whosoever shall smite her neighbor over this or that cherished god, she shall behold in the pall of night a vessel bereft of fatted kibble.

So sayeth the calico kitten to all the creatures of the land and sea. As it is written, so it was told unto Scout, daughter of Beverly, second begotten of Edith from the fertile plain of Iowa.


Blogger Slangred said...

Bryduck's comment: "Geez. That's beautiful."
My comment: Amen. Forever and ever. In Halo's name.
(But Amber can still rock LOTD)

7:22 PM  
Blogger sporksforall said...

Excellent bible writing, sweetie! Halo is WAY smarter and more attuned to the divine than she seems when I'm pushing her acorss the linoleum with my rubber clog.

Good to know. I'll pet her more and let her do that weird drool/purr thing in my armpit. I take divinity where it comes.

10:21 PM  
Blogger WenWhit said...


7:29 PM  
Blogger treecup said...

I'm a convert!

4:05 PM  
Blogger WordsRock said...

Does Halo demand a 10% tithe in tribute?

10:04 AM  
Anonymous hopskipjump said...

Awww, that's so sweet!

Alas, my godless (?) heathen, Ralphie, the silver tabby (and son of nameless ferals), crunching away on little mouse skulls, subscribes, evidently, to some carniverous golden calf.

6:36 AM  
Blogger weese said...

I just love a good smiting.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Little Blue Petal said...

"And we shall put our hope in you, that our bowls shalt remain bekibbled, thy fuzzy, comfy, warm things be spread before us and that thy mighty splendour shalt remove all thoroughly detestable puppy-idolatry from our gaze forevermore."

In utter reverence,

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a beautiful cat you have. WOW. She is just gorgeous.

4:17 PM  

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