playing by the rules

In my capacity as an operative for the Gay Agenda™ I must sometimes perform tasks that I find disagreeable. Should any representatives of the totally agenda-free, just-trying-to-save-your-eternal-soul-ma’am religious right be reading, I’m not talking about propagandizing and recruiting your children: I haven’t yet achieved that clearance level. No, what I’m doing is far more insidious; indeed, it may be counterproductive to the cause: I’m editing the coming-out story of a piss-poor role model.

The Gay Agenda™, while whimsically characterized by televangelists and sundry Republicans as almost irresistibly powerful, is really rather desperate, and as such we’ll pretty much accept any new recruits who come our way. It’s like a giant game of Red Rover, except that substitutes are almost invariably sent in place of the recruits we call for. For instance, we call, “Red rover, red rover, send Cher right over!” and over charges Chastity to join our team. At first we think, Hey, that’s not who— But then we shrug and go, “Yay, the more the merrier!” Then sometimes we call out, say, “Kevin Spacey!” and they send the right guy, and we cheer him on as he comes running over, but when he reaches us he angrily denies that he’s gay, breaking our spirit. Per the rules of the game, any opponent who breaks our team’s spirit not only returns to his own team but takes a member of our team back with him, which is what happened to Anne Heche.

Clearly our recruiting strategies are flawed, and I have to think that the weakness of our educational materials looms large in our failure to surpass the 10% market saturation we achieved decades ago. While the heterosexuals advertise their “lifestyle” in the Bible, the best-selling book in America, we long ago realized that, given our budget constraints, the only venue in which we could truly access nationwide crossover market reach is the PennySaver. And compared to straight advertising, our own material lacks a certain kickiness: “Did you know homosexuality has been decriminalized and declassified as a mental disorder? Give it a try—if you can get past that societally ingrained ‘ick’ factor.”

With recruitment materials that underwhelming, we can’t afford to be choosy, which is why we’ve offered open enrollment since the mid 1950s (following a politically embarrassing “sexual purity” movement among extremists agitating to restrict membership to Kinsey fives and up). And since homosexuality is a tough sell based on its historical image, we increasingly rely on contemporary spokesmodels to represent our brand. Heterosexuality, while harboring its fair share of losers, is hawked by a dazzling array of celebrities. Even fringe sects like Christian fundamentalism and Scientology are endorsed, respectively, by Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise. And us? Now, let me be crystal-clear: I’m not dissing Ellen—we all love her; she’s cool people—but I think we can all agree that upon her shoulders are not empires built. Plus, there are a lot of would-be lesbians who just don’t think they would look good in a suit and sneakers; we lose that demographic before we even get a chance to highlight the more alluring perks of our benefits package: potentially shared wardrobes, no more accidental procreation, etc.

So we take what we can get. Thus I’ve spent the last couple of days tracking down articles and sources to verify facts in a top-secret, exclusive coming-out story—a rare glimpse into the personal life of…well, a person who won’t exactly cover the Gay Agenda™ in glory, and for this I apologize to my teammates in advance. But we called “Red rover!” and this is who the straights sent over, and that’s the way the game is played.