…life on the synaptic firing range

Location: Los Angeles, United States

Bent but unbroken Southern California native seeks understanding, companionship, and resonance along and off the beaten path. Teresa plays well with others and makes every effort to perform to her potential. Usually. *processed in a facility that processes nuts and nut products

Friday, January 20, 2006


They aren't simple things, beginnings. I suppose they can be, unless you're me, in which case they're very, very stressful. I don't take decisions lightly, nor anything else, because I'm terrified of making the wrong choice, taking a wrong turn, ending up very much where I did not mean to be.

When I'm evaluating a book I may be interested in, I read the first line. I imagine folks visiting this blog would do the same, so anyone who's not a glutton for equivocating strangers with whom they've not yet been given much reason to resonate has already moved on to the next blog. If you're still with me, here are some reasons to like, dislike, love, or hate me: I'm a woman, a feminist even. I'm a lesbian. I would say I'm a Democrat, but I should think that's implied by the whole feminist lesbian thing. I relate to cats better than dogs, though I enjoy the company of both. I have a chronic major depressive disorder with generalized anxiety and occasional pronounced highs, all of which has me teetering on the edge of a bipolar diagnosis. I *heart* pharmaceuticals, but that's prolly a gimme given the aforementioned mood swings and title of this blog. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a low-level foot soldier in magazine publishing. My favorite color is brown.

I hope to accomplish a few things in writing this blog: I want to ease myself back into writing after a two-year post-breakdown dry spell. I'm hoping to show myself that I can be productive and creative, even on meds. I want to make some sense of a life that often seems senseless to me. I want to find meaning in my day-to-day. In short, I want to want to live—a pretty tall order.

So, why not do this privately? Well, I suppose I have an exhibitionist streak, a need to confess, a need to be noticed, if only anonymously. Besides, there are only so many Mead composition books one can tuck tidily between the mattress and the box spring. And I guess I'm also hoping for that one reader who'll stumble across this blog by chance and think, Yeah, I know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. That's all any of us want, I think: connection.


Blogger treecup said...

Is this who I think it is? And if so, why didn't I get no email??

8:27 PM  
Blogger scout said...

Eek! I've been discovered. Damn that linking girlfriend of mine!

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Psst - I have no idea if you have an email notifier when you get comments on six-month-old posts... but I have to say, "Wow."

Wow on two levels: an eye-opening similarity and your incredible honesty. I'm impressed, even if I don't have the courage to emulate you. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

FYI, from the outside looking in, six months later and all that jazz, you seem to be in a really good place - blackouts or no.

That gives me hope.

Thanks, scout. Keep those synapses firing.

Donna Fargo

11:53 AM  
Blogger psychoselph said...

Hi. Love your writing. And your honesty. I haven't read all the way to your current posts, but so far it seems you're making progress. I'm envious.

You're right about the desire for connection. I can't say with certainty that it's "all" I want, but it's certainly something I want. Please don't be offended; I can't say anything with certainty right now.

It's encouraging to see someone else with similar struggles... and much more so to see some sign of successful treatment. Thank you for sharing. I'll be checking in often.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous ♥dex said...

Found you from Rich/FourFour's most recent post about VIBE.

I'm glad I did. =Þ

12:06 PM  

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