beginnings

They aren't simple things, beginnings. I suppose they can be, unless you're me, in which case they're very, very stressful. I don't take decisions lightly, nor anything else, because I'm terrified of making the wrong choice, taking a wrong turn, ending up very much where I did not mean to be.

When I'm evaluating a book I may be interested in, I read the first line. I imagine folks visiting this blog would do the same, so anyone who's not a glutton for equivocating strangers with whom they've not yet been given much reason to resonate has already moved on to the next blog. If you're still with me, here are some reasons to like, dislike, love, or hate me: I'm a woman, a feminist even. I'm a lesbian. I would say I'm a Democrat, but I should think that's implied by the whole feminist lesbian thing. I relate to cats better than dogs, though I enjoy the company of both. I have a chronic major depressive disorder with generalized anxiety and occasional pronounced highs, all of which has me teetering on the edge of a bipolar diagnosis. I *heart* pharmaceuticals, but that's prolly a gimme given the aforementioned mood swings and title of this blog. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a low-level foot soldier in magazine publishing. My favorite color is brown.

I hope to accomplish a few things in writing this blog: I want to ease myself back into writing after a two-year post-breakdown dry spell. I'm hoping to show myself that I can be productive and creative, even on meds. I want to make some sense of a life that often seems senseless to me. I want to find meaning in my day-to-day. In short, I want to want to live—a pretty tall order.

So, why not do this privately? Well, I suppose I have an exhibitionist streak, a need to confess, a need to be noticed, if only anonymously. Besides, there are only so many Mead composition books one can tuck tidily between the mattress and the box spring. And I guess I'm also hoping for that one reader who'll stumble across this blog by chance and think, Yeah, I know what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. That's all any of us want, I think: connection.